How to treat a woman

The Proper Way To Treat A Woman.

The rules on how to treat are the following. If you have ideas for more
please feel free to contribute.

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will
keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If
she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will
impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are
like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is,
say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show
her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her
fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every
girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when
she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry
is for pussies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is,
stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other girl's
ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she thinks
it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When
she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're
really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts
crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper
very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special
nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket, because
then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't
stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be complaining
about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party
is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick
the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and
you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. After you have made love, say "listen toots, put your knickers back on
and go make me a cup of tea".
If she laughs, is not out of the bed within 3 seconds, is not back within
3.5 minutes, or the tea is crap/does not come with decent biscuits (or any
combination of the above) tell her that it's over until she learns to make
better cups of tea; a Woman loves to better herself - give her the chance to
do so.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her
self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down
desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or
anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way,
she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and
say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that
speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a
spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it
(but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking
about).

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's
just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to
stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This
way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that
material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that
she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever
get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's
coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present
visibly sticking out of the can.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise
her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure
that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to
tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited, then don't call.

27. If you're ever travelling on public transport in a foreign country with
your girlfriend, make sure you stand near the automatic doors. When the
bus/train is at a platform and the doors are about to close, push her off
(if she falls over it's a bonus as she is less likely to be able to re-board
said vehicle). This will leave her stranded in a strange place with no way
of getting home…. What an adventure! And will also teach her to never say
your relationship lacks 'spice' again.