How to treat a woman

The Proper Way To Treat A Woman.

The rules on how to treat are the following. If you have ideas for more
please feel free to contribute.

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This will
keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If
she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this will
impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are
like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is,
say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show
her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her
fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every
girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then when
she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry
is for pussies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is,
stare into her eyes, mouth the words "F**K you" and grab the other girl's
ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for mile so she thinks
it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When
she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're
really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts
crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and whisper
very quietly into her ear "...because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special
nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her our jacket, because
then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't
stop complaining about the cold right now, you're going to be complaining
about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party
is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick
the pet. I always find stuff like that funny...why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes home and
you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. After you have made love, say "listen toots, put your knickers back on
and go make me a cup of tea".
If she laughs, is not out of the bed within 3 seconds, is not back within
3.5 minutes, or the tea is crap/does not come with decent biscuits (or any
combination of the above) tell her that it's over until she learns to make
better cups of tea; a Woman loves to better herself - give her the chance to
do so.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give her
self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep down
desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings or
anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way,
she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt and
say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that
speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls love a
spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on it
(but not a sexy cologne smell...a bad smell. You know what I'm talking
about).

21. When it's raining, keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say "no, it's
just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at her to
stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This
way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her that
material objects arent important. The only thing that's important is that
she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she can ever
get.

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's
coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the present
visibly sticking out of the can.

26. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise
her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure
that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you're going to
tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited, then don't call.

27. If you're ever travelling on public transport in a foreign country with
your girlfriend, make sure you stand near the automatic doors. When the
bus/train is at a platform and the doors are about to close, push her off
(if she falls over it's a bonus as she is less likely to be able to re-board
said vehicle). This will leave her stranded in a strange place with no way
of getting home…. What an adventure! And will also teach her to never say
your relationship lacks 'spice' again.

Going to heaven , new words

WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?


The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part
of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other
night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh !
God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."


TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be
cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
"administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g.
you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply
staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food
afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you
live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e.
extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually
naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you
go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while
you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the
unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you
come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks
like she's got four buttocks

Irish Joke, short scarface and a little Johnny one

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Scarface in a few mins!




The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."