Prankjokes Bra size guide

Going to heaven , new words

WHICH PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?


The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part
of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other
night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh !
God, I'm coming!"

"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."


TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and
advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be
cake.)

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded
"administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g.
you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of
buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply
staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food
afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a
booze cruise at 3am.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home
after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you
live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e.
extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually
naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH. A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you
go:"Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while
you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the
unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you
come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning
before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a
10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks
like she's got four buttocks

comedy football and speeding

MY WIFE

On Earth As It Is In Heaven


One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God approaches and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Really sick and you feel sorry for him and condom joke

Condom Joke

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Irish Joke, short scarface and a little Johnny one

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Scarface in a few mins!




The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

Mourinho, Speeding, difference between theoretically and realistically explained - a clever thread

The truth behind the Chelsea manager, Mourinho's weird hand signals

How to get out of speeding

A man is pulled over by a policeman for speeding The policeman tells the man to wind down his window and show him his licence ''I haven't got one'' says the man ''Well do you have any proof that this is your car?'' asks the policeman ''Nope because I robbed it about 30 minutes ago and I'm on a joyride'' replies the man The policeman takes a step back, then asks ''Could you step out of the car please sir'' The man shakes his head, looks at the policeman and says ''No; look, I've got a gun in the glove box and a body in the boot, do you really think I'm getting out of this car?'' The policeman turns round and returns to his car and calls for back-up, a few minutes later the sergeant turns up The sergeant walks over to the car and says to the man ''Can I have a look in your boot and glove box please?'' The man opens the glove box, no gun, he opens the boot, no body... The sergeant scratches his head, ''Can I see your licence and registration please?'' The man takes out his documentation and shows the sergeant The sergeant looks at the policeman then back at the driver, ''What it is sir is my partner told me you had no licence, you had stolen this car, were hiding a gun in the glove box and hiding a body in the boot!'' The man replies ''Yeah and I bet the lying c*** said I was speeding aswell''

The difference between theoretically and realistically explained Son asks dad difference between theoretically and realistically. Dad says "Thats hard but i have an idea!" Ask mum if she would fook the milkman for £1m? Mum says "yes" Dad then says "Ask your sister if she'll fook all night with the pizzaman for £2m?" Sister says "Yes" Dad says "well there son that's your answer,"

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said

"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, and then said ,



"Your cock's bigger than your brother's.

The Knob

A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.........

Lucky Day

Much Luckier than first thought

New jokes

A middle aged man bought a brand new BMW 7 series . He took off down
the road, pushed it up to 130 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car behind
him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped. Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old
for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the police car to catch up with him.

The policeman pulled in behind the Beemer and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give
me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let
you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a
policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The policeman said, "Have a nice day."

Goodwood Festival of Speed 2006

What blokes names REALLY mean..............University Tested

Aaron - ugly but hung like a horse. prone to belly button fluff.
Adam - cute, funny and needs a bath.
Adrian - usually short and very horny, watches cartoons.
Alan - shy but sensitive, gets screwed over by women.
Alex - cute and short but a liar and a cheat.
Alistair - amazingly hilarious and gets all the chicks. Pecker is fat.
Andy - gorgeous but a smooth talking liar.
Andrew - gay, gorgeous and still has a smooth talking liar.
Antonio - has a great body and beautiful skin, and chicken brain.
Anthony - great guy and kind to all girls, smells of weed.
Arnold - loser.
Arthur - hung like a slave and celibate.
Barry - lights fires, pinches girls bottoms and is well hung
Ben - funny and can be real difficult to beat at games.
Bob - quiet and unpopular, eats with his hands.
Brad - thinks everyone likes him...but they don't.
Brandon - good looking but uses girls.
Brendan - quiet and sweet, gets beaten up all the time.
Brett - world wide slut and really insensitive, women love him.
Brian - mean and only thinks of himself, no he's not the Messiah he's
just a naughty boy.
Bryan - sexy, but stupid - can't spell.
Bronsen - annoying and never grows up - has a stupid name.
Bruce - stinks bad and thinks everyone else's name is also Bruce.
Bryce - fun to be with and will make you laugh, you'll kill him within
a
week.
Calvin - immature in a naive way, drives a Gemini.
Cameron - thinks he's funny...he's not, falls asleep during sex.
Carson - fun to be around and really sensitive.
Chad - cute, sensitive and very studly - only found in American movies
no real person has that name.
Chris - can't pull, will pay for women, but has a huge pecker and can
use it too.
Christian - very sexy and seductive, but people think he is too religous.
Clark - hilarious and always in trouble, problem with 'jailbait'.
Clayton - very sweet and adores girls, but very superficial.
Cole - nice, funny, and fun to be around.
Colin - quiet but experienced (know what I mean?).
Connor - lies to women and blows up public buildings.
Cory - funny but ugly, ends up running fashion magazines.
Craig - tries to fit in - he never does.
Cyril - well, Cyril. (Has he got 3 fingers or was that cecil?)
Dale - Charming , but sleeps with men.
Damon - total loser in a sweaty sort of way.
Dan - weird and becomes easily addicted to narcotics.
Dane - weird but can hold together a conversation with a mermaid.
Daniel - enjoys root vegetables in every orifice
David - hotty and works out a lot, loves girls named florence.
Dave - always funny, intelligent, good in bed, stylish,
trendsetter - i.e. a wanker.
Dean - full of himself and thinks with his dick.
Dennis - either very nice to girls or a faggot.
Derek - has a great mummy, and blow-up doll collection.
Dominic - hilarious and will do anything to please.
Don - dickhead.
Doug - has a greasy face, drinking problem and warts.
Drew - bad-arse losers who never shuts up.
Dylan - horny bugger, who can't sing.
Dwayne - cool guy to be around if you can handle his name.
Eddie - wants too many chicks he'll never get 'cos he's an arsehole.
Eric - shy and gives good foot massages.
Erik - funny and treats girls how he wants to be treated.
Evan - a little slow but sweet, sexy, and model mental patient.
Frank - "different" - missing DNA - favours girls named Lucy.
Francis - pervert
Gareth - sweet but dresses too good to be straight.
Gary - seems charming but really just another wanker.
Gavin - likes bondage, S&M with other men.
Geoff - prefers golf to sex and war to peace.
George - barman who drinks more than he serves.
Glen - the sweetest guy - really down to earth
Graham - very hard to understand, likes group sex.
Grant - HORNY! but so sweet and you can talk to him about anything.
Greg - really sweet and feels sorry for himself.
Harvey - cute, but addicted to sex and/or drugs.
Haydn - tries hard.
Howard - likes small-breasted women and pornography (doesn't
everybody!).
Ian - really popular but hit with an ugly stick.
Jake - arrogant, and a slut when drunk.
Jamie - sweet, kind and always laughing.
James - organised and can be romantic.
Jason - techy, wears glasses but hung like a rhino.
Jay - very sweet when you get to know him well.
Jeff - really ugly.
Jerome - gay, but very unhappy.
Jeremy - loud and thinks that he's all that he says he is.
Jesse - unpopular and needs to move on.
Jack - stupid but hot. Always alright.
Jimmy - sweet, has fantasies of love and affection.
Joe - built like a bear, sexy but tends to lose his head.
John - has no friends or life - tends to kill small animals.
Jonathon - think he's good - he's shite.
Jordan - sexy but weird in bed.
Jose - hot boy with a love of hermaphrodites.
Josh - full of himself, fun.
Junior - hotty and totally good at football.
Justin - aggravating but lovable, insecure but successful.
Kain - the sexiest guy alive but very stuck up.
Karl - likes doing it in German army uniforms, can't spell.
Kevin - can never get a girlfriend.
Keith - good person to talk to when you have a problem - but his is
always worse.
Kenneth - very, very...anything you want him to be.
Kim - very understanding and caring, feels lost in Korea.
Kieren - Sleeps around and doesn't come home when he should.
Kurt - can kick anyone's arse.
Ky - see Kain.
Kyle - hornball who eats too many cornchips.
Larry - cute but wannabe player with big arse.
Laurey - short and funny looking.
Lee - girl dressed up as a boy, total arse bandit.
Lewis - lonely, sad git, bit of a tosser.
Liam - loud mouthed arsehole, normally found in rock bands and pubs.
Lorenzo - fine and dresses in stolen gold.
Louie - unconventional, wise and annoying.
Lucas - fat loser that dates other men.
Luke - seems to be sweet - but is an uncontrollable liar!
Malcolm - tall man who tends to lose his trousers.
Mark - wished girls liked him for who he is not his great looks,
sneaky bastard though.
Matt - the Fat Boy of the class, likes sweets and is full of shite.
Mike - very good looking but he'll do anything for a girl, which is
totally sweet.
Michael - the ugliest dog and he don't get any.
Nathan - stupid as hell, and tends to make others feel like he's
there.
Nick - HORNY! but really nice - can't get past the missionary position
though.
Neil - sweet and will do anything in this world for you, great in bed.
Oliver - likes men but is in denial.
Oscar - loser, a good name for a dog.
Owen - cute guy who is immature, and sings Welsh songs.
Patrick - drunk, drunk, drunk.
Paul - cool, calm and handsome, a quality only found in gays.
Peter - arrogant & full of himself but makes women feel like virgins.
Phillip - stupid idiot who wishes he were cool.
Reagen - ...strange.
Rhys - had his mind stolen by aliens a long, long time ago.
Ricky - ugly shithead who everybody hates.
Rikki - see above.
Richard - can't stop wanking and has more wet dreams than anybody.
Rob - small and ugly...everybody hates him.
Ross - total loser and computer genius.
Rupert - arrogant t*** who is crap in bed but thinks he is a stud.
Russell - likes to play in the leaves which makes him an arsehole.
Ryan - short but sexy body and even sexier mind.
Sam - wannabe sex machine.
Sanjiv - alcohol distiller, bullshitter extraordinaire
Scott - has serious disabilities.
Sean - has small testicles and no friends.
Seth - so sweet to other people but is a traitor.
Shane - thinks everybody wants to shag him - he's a virgin.
Shannon - the most determined and persevering sweety in the world.
Shaun - bit of a hard bastard, thinks women love him.
Simon - likes a night out with the lads and curries. Talks testicles.
Sonny - Incredibly disorganised and always late, can be romantic on
occasions.
Steve - popular and funny when looked at side-on.
Stuart - droll guy with great arse and suicidal tendencies.
Tim - hot but a bit strange, can never tell where he is.
Toby - POSH bastard.
Tom - cool but can be arrogant.
Tony - hot, sweet, and totally fun to be around.
Travis - fat and horny with the best XXX collection to be found.
Trevor - sweet and funny but sometimes untrustworthy.
Troy - cute and popular.
Taylor - gay.
Warren - cool, homosexual guy.
Wesley - great guy and easy to tolerate.
Will - wishes he were popular.
Winton - SNAG- Silly nagged average guy
Zach - sweet and polite and adorable.
Zahid - devious and sly. Not to be trusted

Prank Calls and telemarketers

Prank Call to ASDA



This is what you can say to a telemarketer


If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to
marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel."
How to Prank a telemarketer


BT Telemarketer Gets An Earfull



If you have videos or jokes let me know
Contact me via youtube- www.youtube.com/the242

Prank call and what to do in a department store

15 things you can do at while shopping:

Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares' . . and see what happens.

Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the them from "Mission Impossible."

Hide in a clothing rack . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"
And last but not least:

Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"